- 1. Most blues begin “woke up this morning.”
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2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman– with the meanest
dog in town. -
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman– with the meanest
dog in town, (repeat first line) He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher–
and he weighs about 500 pounds. - 4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
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5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation
is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin’ plays a major part in the
blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die. -
6. Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood
means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. -
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens.
Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St.
Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. - 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
- a. violet
- b. beige
- c. mauvre
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9. You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting
is wrong. - 10. Good places for the Blues:
- a. the highway
- b. the jailhouse
- c. the empty bed
- Bad places:
- a. Ashrams
- b. Gallery openings
- c. weekend in the Hamptons
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11. No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen
to be an old black man. - 12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
- Yes, if:
- a. your first name is a southern state–like Georgia
- b. you’re blind
- c. you shot a man in Memphis
- d. you can’t be satisfied
- No, if:
- a. you were once blind but now can see
- b. you’re deaf
- c. you have a trust fund
- 13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
- 14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the blues.
- Other blues beverages are:
- a. wine
- b. Irish whiskey
- c. muddy water
- Blues beverages are NOT:
- a. Any mixed drink
- b. Any wine kosher for Passover
- c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
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15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the
electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency
room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment. - 16. Some Blues names for Women:
- a. Sadie
- b. Big Mama
- c. Bessie
- 17. Some Blues Names for Men:
- a. Joe
- b. Willie
- c. Little Willie
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d. Lightning Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted
to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. - 17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit):
- a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
- b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
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c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) Mix and
Match