TALKING WITH THE BAND
The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way
is at the middle of a song when all members are singing at the same time,
such as a multi-harmony part. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick
out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around
us. Musicians are expert lip readers, too. If a musician does not reply
to your question or comment during a tune, take this personally. Singers
have the ability to sprout a second mouth to talk with you and sing at
the same time. If the singer doesn’t, it’s because he is purposely ignoring
you; if this happens, immediately cop an attitude, we love this. When an
entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his head and yell directly
into his ear, holding his head so he cannot pull away from you. This is
an invitation to a friendly game of tug of war between his head and your
hands. Disregard any respect for the musician’s hearing.
REQUESTS
Musicians are expert mind readers. Only refer to your requests with
the phrase “play my song!” We have a chip implanted in our heads with an
unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked
into the bar, so feel free to be vague; we love the challenge. If we do
not remember exactly what tune you want, it’s an intentional ploy to offend
you. Remember, entertainers live to be offensive; we stay up all
night thinking up ways to do this. We also never get enough abuse, so any
abuse that you add will keep us in line.
If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either
forgot that they knew the tune or they are lying to you. Try singing a
few words for the band. If one member halfway knows part of a chorus, the
rest of the band will instantly learn the entire song by osmosis. Knowing
this, if the band still claims to not know your song, just keep requesting
the same song ad nauseum. Never try to request another tune the band actually
knows. Scream your request from across the room several times per set followed
by the phrases, AW COME ON! and, YOU SUCK! Exaggerated hand gestures expressing
disapproval from the dance floor are a big help such as the thumbs down
or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band’s memory.
This instantly promotes you to the status of Personal Friend Of The Band.
If your choice of music is a complete departure from what the crowd
loves and cannot get enough of, i.e. if they play original Blues, ignore
this. Simply put a lot of money into the tip jar to bolster your argument.
This will circumvent any lack of knowledge they have about your requested
tune. The more money with which you tip the band, the more power you’ll
have to dictate what happens on stage. Feel free to use your money to bully
the band. Entertainers are notorious fakers, and never prepare for shows.
They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once
they arrive. An entertainer’s job is so easy, even a monkey could do it,
so don’t let them off the hook. The band and club’s income does not depend
upon numbers of people patronizing the bar; screw them. Your request is
all that matters.
If a metal band had played at the club for the last few weeks, the next
band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous
band played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It’s
the law. Feel free to yell AC/DC or SLAYER!! to a band that plays strictly
originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful
Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.
HELPING THE BAND
If you inform the band that you are a musician in a garage band, or
singer in a Karaoke bar, be sure to let them know that you can run rings
around them and they need you in their band. In fact, the sole reason the
band has not exploded onto the charts is because they do not have you as
their big break. And besides, that old guy singing the blues is just copying
SRV and Clapton, in spite of the fact that he’s 63 years old. Tell the
musicians unequivocally that your mere presence as a member of their band
will save them from the depths of mediocrity, and assure them of success
beyond their wildest dreams. This works every time.
If the band continues to refuse your repeated demands to perform with
them, stand on the dance floor and perform with every tune they do. If
they won’t let you perform with them, be disruptive. Do everything you
can to be louder than the band. Nothing asserts your superiority like an
out of tune harmonica or vocalist, or a tambourine played out of tempo.
For extra credit, use these instruments in tunes that do not have them
in the original recording; musicians love to play cover tunes with instruments
that do not belong there. They will overlook how badly you play and will
wonder how they have gotten along all these years without you.
BONUS TIP
As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break, and then get on
stage and start playing their instruments; even if you are 86’ed, you have
made your point. The band will call you immediately the following day to
offer you a position.